5 Rules for Opening Your Relationship Without Blowing It Up - VICE

Opening a relationship can make two otherwise reasonable adults believe they can predict every possible emotion they’re about to have. So they make rules. Lots of rules. Then somebody develops a crush, somebody gets jealous when they swore they wouldn’t, and all of a sudden, Rule No. 7 needs a rewrite.

More than 1 in 5 adults have tried some form of non-monogamy, according to recent research, but there’s no universal handbook for doing it the “right way.” Martha Kauppi, a licensed marriage and family therapist who works with consensually non-monogamous couples, writes in Psychology Today that the agreements people make at the beginning are usually just that—a beginning.

Before you make a list of rules, think about what you personally need to feel okay with all of this. Maybe you need more reassurance than you expected. Maybe you need very clear communication. You’re going to learn a lot faster once actual feelings come into play.

There’s a temptation to settle every possible scenario before anyone dates anyone else. You probably can’t.

Kauppi suggests treating early agreements as things you’re allowed to revisit once you have actual experience to work from. “I firmly believe the best agreements emerge from experience,” she writes. Something that sounded perfectly reasonable over coffee could feel very different after the first real date.

An agreement does little for you if one person accepted it only because saying no felt harder.

Both people need to be able to admit when something hurts, scares them, or suddenly feels different than expected. The other person has to be able to hear that without immediately getting defensive. That sounds simple, but it’s harder in practice. 

A new fling can make you act a little ridiculous. You check your phone constantly, reread messages, and you’re obsessed with when you might see this person again. That energy is fun, but it can pull attention away from the relationship you already have.

Research suggests that the communication habits couples establish beforehand can influence how they handle that early butterflies-in-your-tummy phase without neglecting an existing partner. Talking about time, attention, and expectations before someone is wildly excited about a new person gives everyone something to return to later.

The agreements you make before anything happens are just guesses. Once there are real dates, real jealousy, real excitement, and real scheduling conflicts, you have better information to work with.

You’re allowed to change your mind. A rule that felt completely reasonable three months ago might feel awful once you’ve actually had to experience it. That’s probably a sign to talk about it again, not force yourself to stick with it just because you wrote it down. 

If the two of you keep running into the same fight, a therapist who actually understands consensual non-monogamy can help. Sex researcher Dr. Zhana Vrangalova has noted that these relationships can ask a lot of people emotionally, especially around communication and self-awareness. Having someone who understands CNM can make those conversations much less confusing.