A Daughter Addicted to Drugs···A Mother Addicted to Her Daughter - 경향신문

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An illustration depicting a mother and daughter. Artist Kim Sang-min

Yeo-jin is diligent about taking care of herself. She exercises at the gym at set times every day. In the early morning, she goes to church. She knows many people and looks after acquaintances well, so she is almost always meeting someone. Fond of art and architecture, Yeo-jin frequently takes in exhibitions and walks in the woods in seasons with beautiful weather. Thanks to her faithful self-care, Yeo-jin looks far younger and more attractive than her age, and her daughter Mina resembles her.

Someone meeting Yeo-jin for the first time would never guess she is the mother of a daughter with addiction. Hearing Mina's turbulent story of addiction (① see Part) might only deepen that doubt. ‘She must have been through a living hell all this time, so how can she go about everyday life like that?’ Even when Mina disappeared for days at a time using drugs and could not be reached, Yeo-jin went to work out and met people.

I have seen many families of people with addiction over the years. In reality, it is rare to meet family members who live without losing as much energy as Yeo-jin. Of course, Yeo-jin also carries the deep sorrow seen in families of people with addiction. Realizing that living only in sorrow and pain offered no way out, she rediscovered what she likes and when she feels happy and glad. The time Yeo-jin had to pass through to come to look this okay was long enough and painful.

Yeo-jin was in a state of codependency (also called co-dependency) with Mina. While caring for and assisting someone in need, one gradually becomes over-involved in and dependent on that relationship. Codependency is observed in people close to someone with addiction, especially family members.

Yeo-jin's day was determined solely by Mina's condition. Days when Mina did not use were heaven; days when she went out and could not be reached were hell. There were days when she crossed between heaven and hell several times. She chased down and solved the academic problems and relationship problems that arose after her daughter began using. She went wherever Mina was. She often wondered whether this would not have happened if she had paid more attention to Mina. This, even though she was a mother who had given her only daughter love in every possible way. In the meantime, Yeo-jin slowly lost her own life.

Pouring every resource into controlling and rescuing a child or spouse caught in addiction is a typical portrait of a codependent person. It is like a firefighter on standby 24 hours a day. Never taking one's eyes off the person with addiction, tracking them constantly and being ready to aim the extinguisher the instant they set a fire. A codependent person becomes so buried in a life of caregiving that they fail to care for themselves. The sense of efficacy from saving the other from crisis deepens codependency. So does self-reproach for not having managed to do so. One becomes addicted to the person with addiction.

After Mina developed a drug-use problem, Yeo-jin's anxiety became severe. The saying, ‘There is no mother of a child with a substance problem who does not take an anxiolytic’, felt real. “Because I worry, I check her movements, keep contacting her, and end up racking my brain about what my kid's phone password might be. My life gets aligned to my kid's life rather than my own.” She could not feel at ease unless she checked something. Her body suffered, too. “My stomach is wrecked,” Yeo-jin said.

A family support group for people with addiction could also be called a gathering of Yeo-jin's ‘codependency seniors and juniors’. Even the story of a mother who tried to end her life together with her daughter is not all that unusual. Hearing the words of a mother who, driven by despair that it would never end, tried to end her life, then searched for ways they could die together because she feared the daughter with addiction left behind would become a burden to her other children, brought unavoidable tears. Stories of falling into alcohol dependence·addiction or losing one's entire fortune·health are not uncommon either. Young-jae's father calling 400 hospitals (② see Part), and Dua's mother being unable to take her eyes off her daughter even for a single minute or second (③ see Part) can both be seen as signs of codependency.

One does not become codependent because one is lacking or foolish. If a family member has a drug-use problem, it is actually difficult not to fall into codependency. The tragedies of caregiver homicide and suicide after long periods of solo caregiving bear some resemblance to codependency. The caregiver's life revolves only around the patient, mutual dependence deepens, the two become isolated and confined within their relationship, and then an unhappy incident occurs. Codependency is not a fault but something that requires help. Just as one must recover from addiction, recovery from codependency is also needed.

‘How am I supposed to separate? Every day is a war. It is easy to say separation, but can I really have my own life if I do that?’ When she first heard the advice that she needed to separate from Mina, Yeo-jin thought it was simply incomprehensible. Soon-deok would look at such a Yeo-jin with pity.

Soon-deok devoted her twenties and thirties to cleaning up the life of her husband, who was addicted to methamphetamine. Fourteen years after her life had been cast aside because she was consumed by her husband, she finally saw herself suffering from an anxiety disorder and panic disorder. Only then did she notice that her sons, aged nine and three, had been left to fend for themselves. For the first time, she decided to separate from her husband. That was 25 years ago. Soon-deok and her husband, who has fully recovered from addiction, now work for people with addiction and their families at the incorporated association Again Happiness.

Soon-deok, too, was codependent. “When I opened my eyes in the morning, I first checked my husband's condition, and I ended the day by probing whether he had used drugs or not. My husband repeated prison entry·release. Of course, I had no personal life, and visiting the prison or going to a law office was my only going out.” She also stopped meeting people. She did not want to explain or excuse why her life was like this. The severing of relationships invited even greater codependency. It was a vicious cycle.

Having gone through codependency, Soon-deok has much she wants to say to Yeo-jin. “Yeo-jin, this is not telling you to give up on or abandon Mina. Controlling and monitoring will not make Mina quit drugs. Love Mina in a healthier way. You collapsing in the name of saving Mina is not healthy love. Discover what kind of person you are who likes what, and when you are happy.”

Yeo-jin also realized that unless she took care of herself, Mina could not become okay either. Because she is an only daughter who is clever and very talented, breaking the immersion was all the more difficult. Even so, separation was necessary. “Checking Mina's phone and constantly tracking her turned out to be because I was anxious. From a certain point, I completely set aside the urge to look at the phone. I exercise almost as if my life depends on it. When my physical strength drops, my mind drops too.” Support systems around her are important as well. This is not something one can handle alone. That is why Yeo-jin does not skip the family meetings for people with addiction, and cautiously opens up about her story to close acquaintances.

Now, Yeo-jin is trying to separate out of love for Mina. Instead of clinging to Mina, she is trying to get to know her daughter again. She is proud that she raised Mina lacking nothing, but she looks back on whether it felt that way to Mina as well. Even so, she will not reproach herself.

Gifted with a way with words, Mina sent her mother several essays from the detention center. They were well written without a single revision. It hurt to read her describe herself as “a person outside the boundary, a person who cannot mix, an outsider,” but in the piece where she wrote, “You, without even knowing it, were loving your life,” there seemed to be a glimmer of hope. Whichever it may be, Yeo-jin will offer the best love she can right now. (To be continued in Part ⑤)

※This project received support from the Press Promotion Fund, created with fees from government advertising.