Advice: I don't like the way my relatives are grieving. Can I say something? - Toronto Star

And Lisi advises a letter writer who is struggling with a grief issue.

Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca

Q My husband’s parents are aging and live in another province than we do. He has a sister who lives near them. My aging parents live in our city, and I have a brother who lives across the border. I am always complaining about my brother’s lack of support for my parents, especially my dad, who has Parkinson’s, which I believe spurs my husband to do more for his parents. His sister is always thanking me for sending him out to her.

But now my mother has fallen and broken her hip, and his father just had a stroke and lost all function on the left side of his upper body and face. They say it should come back, but he needs a lot of support.

I need my husband’s help here with the children so I can focus on my parents, but he needs to be with his parents so his sister can be with her family. How do we navigate this very stressful (and sad) time?

A Here’s hoping that between you and your husband, his sister and her husband, and your brother and his partner, somebody is an excellent organizer and planner. I strongly suggest that, since you’re the one asking me, you send out an email to the group, kindly asking everyone to look at their calendars, think about their strengths in dealing with aging parents, and schedule a Zoom call. Speak with your SIL and ask her to create a list of all things necessary to aid her parents (because she is the one present), and you do the same for yours, prior to the Zoom.

When you’re all together online, spearhead the conversation away from any emotion and focus on the practicalities. Explain to all those present that the reason for the call is that two sets of parents need help and there are six adults who could share the load. Recognize that it is more difficult for your brother and his partner to help you, but that it’s necessary. And the same for your in-laws.

Then work together to co-ordinate a schedule that has everyone helping, everyone solo parenting, and everyone getting a much-needed break. You may have to take more than one pass at a calendar, but putting the time in today will be helpful tomorrow.

Q My brother-in-law just passed away suddenly, and both my wife and his are bereft. They spend all their time together, feeding off each other’s grief and misery. They remember every little thing, every second of his life, everything, everything, everything.

The problem is that everything they really gel on is negative. For example, my BIL had long, thick eyelashes, and as a child, women would constantly stop him on the street and exclaim at the beauty of his eyes. No one could deny how stunning his eyes were. But somehow, when the topic came up amongst my wife and his widow, they both agreed that his eyelashes would get gooey, and that they would fall out and were so long they looked like spider’s legs.

I’m finding it uncomfortable to be around them, though they’re not crying as much, which is maybe a good thing.

A Everyone deals with grief differently. It’s unfair to judge. Your wife has lost her brother; his wife has lost her life partner. Both are a deep loss. If coming together and remembering his shortcomings is giving them some relief, let it go. But not too long.

However, you could say something privately to your wife, because she may not even realize what she’s doing. And it’s not nice to speak negatively of the dead.

Reader: “Since they’ve been friends for 50 years, it’s possible she’s of advanced age. She could therefore be in the early stages of dementia. There’s often a fairly long period before it becomes clear that a loved one is developing this condition. And then longer before family wishes to reveal this to outsiders, even close friends. 

“I assume the trip happened and that the writer wasn’t able to see her at that time. She might try sending the daughter another note, explaining she hasn’t heard anything for a year and is very concerned. But that’s about all she can or should do.”

FEEDBACK Regarding swearing (Oct. 27; Jan. 14; March 12; May 7; June 27):

Reader: “Children make interesting connections. Bad words were coming out of his mouth, so if he spat them out, they’d no longer be in him. 

“We may laugh, but from their perspective, it makes perfect sense.”

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Opinion articles are based on the author’s interpretations and judgments of facts, data and events. More details

Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca