Advice: My brother and his wife are struggling to conceive. How do I tell them I'm pregnant? - Toronto Star

And Lisi advises a letter writer who worries about upsetting her family with her own good news.

Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca

Q My husband and I got engaged after three years together. We opted for a short engagement as we both just wanted to get married. We had a loose plan on how long we would remain just the two of us before we started our family. It’s slightly earlier than we had planned, but we’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

We’re thrilled and I can’t wait to tell my family and his. There’s only one issue: my older brother and his wife have been trying for a while to conceive and are having difficulties. They’ve just started their first round of testing to decipher where the problem lies, so they can hopefully work around that.

How do I tell them I’m pregnant and not upset them when they are trying so hard to conceive? I love my brother and sister-in-law and want them to be happy for me and share in my excitement, but I don’t want to rub this in their face or hurt them in any way.

A Life is full of celebrations and sadness, and sometimes they occur simultaneously. Religiously, celebration usually trumps sadness because joy is eternal and grief is temporary. Or they coexist through communal respect.

I suggest you tell your parents separately (or with your husband’s parents) so they can show their excitement at becoming grandparents. And if you have other siblings, you can tell them as well allowing everyone to show their full emotion (hopefully excitement) at your news.

And then privately tell your brother and his wife. You’re thoughtful and kind to not want to hurt their feelings, but you can’t not tell them. Be soft and gentle and wear your compassion on your sleeve.

Q My great-aunt is in her late 80s and has decided to start getting rid of everything. Whenever anyone goes over to her house they leave with something in hand. My mom, her sister, passed away years ago, so I’m the only connection to extended family. She has a son and two daughters of her own, my cousins, but they’re not interested in any of her stuff, especially since two of them live on the other side of the country.

I worry my great-aunt will give precious items away to people who aren’t family or close friends. I was over for lunch last week when an electrician was fixing some wiring in the kitchen. He saw a porcelain rabbit on her counter and exclaimed how his young daughter loved rabbits. He wasn’t phishing, just making conversation, but it prompted her to give him the porcelain figurine. It wasn’t a precious item as far as I was concerned, but I’m not her children so I may not know the significance of everything — and I just happened to be there.

How do I talk to my cousins and my great-aunt to ensure she doesn’t give away family heirlooms to random strangers?

A Assuming your great-aunt is fully compos mentis, I suggest she invite her children over and they go through her home with her, using colour-coded stickers to choose the items they want. If she really wants to get rid of her stuff, they could take whatever they want right then, or leave it for a later date, knowing it’s been marked off as theirs.

Then hopefully, when the postal worker knocks on the door, or the plumber is called, they don’t leave with the family jewels.

The only issue is many elderly people suffer from even the mildest form of memory loss, and/or the stickers could fall off, and then that item could become up for grabs. The next time you’re visiting your great-aunt, you could put your name on some items you’d like to have.

Reader: “My stepson was not the brightest academically, something I had trouble understanding, as I have a university degree. During high school he discovered love and aptitude for landscaping. We had the best-looking garden in our neighbourhood.

“Some people learn by reading, some by doing.”

Reader: “My younger son and his wife took the out-of-order route, and I had no problem with it as they were and still are both fully committed to their child and each other. My niece and her partner are unmarried on principle but are loyal, supportive mates and excellent parents to their teenager.

“Doesn’t mean these couples might not someday split up as many married people do. But that doesn’t justify starting a family when one partner clearly isn’t fully committed. They need to consider all the ramifications of having a child.”

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Opinion articles are based on the author’s interpretations and judgments of facts, data and events. More details

Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca