Advice: Why don't my wife's friends like me? I'm a good guy! - Toronto Star

And Lisi advises a letter writer who is worried that his wife's friends don't like him.

Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca

Q I’ve just moved into a new apartment with three friends. One is a very close friend of mine and we’ve travelled and lived together before. One is a close friend of hers, and the fourth is someone new to me, but the other girls know her and all agreed she’d be a good fit in our place.

So far everything is fine and easy with all of us. We seem to all be on the same page as far as cleanliness and tidiness; no one is overly loud, or a crazy night owl; no one seems to get up before dawn; and we have enjoyed making dinners together a bunch of times.

My only issue is this new girl walks around naked. She doesn’t hang out on the couch watching TV naked, but she ambles from her bedroom to the bathroom and back completely stark naked. She holds her towel over her arm.

I find it off-putting, especially if I’m watching TV or sitting at the table eating. How can I ask her nicely to cover herself up? I’m not a prude, but I’m also not into girls.

A You say you’ve just moved into this apartment, meaning recently. There’s nothing wrong with having a house meeting after a few weeks of living together to discuss the good, the bad and the awkward. I suggest giving each roommate three pieces of paper and a pen. Have everyone write down one thing they’re really enjoying; one thing they’re not enjoying and would love to change; and one thing they feel awkward discussing. Then pull the notes out of a bowl one by one and discuss each one. No one has to know who feels what.

Or just go for it face-to-face. Depends on your comfort level. That way you can address the issue without it being you against her.

Q My wife has a group of girlfriends she’s been friends with since they were children. She loves them all and they all love her. But out of the group, I really only feel genuine kindness from two. The others don’t make any attempt to hide their feelings toward me, which I can only describe as unfriendly.

I have no idea why these women don’t like me. I’m nice, soft-spoken, decent looking, kind and most importantly, I love my wife, their friend, dearly and treat her as best I can, which works for her. We’ve only been married three years but I think we’re doing great and she agrees.

I don’t want to stir the pot but I am curious as to why these women don’t like me and I wonder if there’s anything I should do about it?

A-  don’t think you should let it bother you. The only person who matters here is your wife, and if she’s happy then her friends’ thoughts are just noise on the side.

However, you could tell your wife you get the feeling they don’t like you, and you’re OK with it, but only if she’s OK with it. The last thing you want is for those women to start getting in her head.

Have an open discussion with your wife and tell her your concerns. Tell her how you feel about her, most importantly, but also your concerns about her friends’ feelings toward you. Ask her if there’s anything she would like you to do to try and improve your relationship with those women. Simply by asking her, you are showing her you care what her friends think. And that may be enough.

Reader: “While I agree that under no circumstance should we hurt others’ feelings there are appropriate ways to give feedback. Obviously, it would be insensitive to negatively comment on things that people cannot change, as in the squeaky voice of the nephew who’s going through that stage in his life. But he could do something about his volume. So I would just ask him to please lower his voice or joke about it, ‘You don’t need to speak so loudly, I can hear you.’

“I believe wearing ear plugs when seeing the nephew is passive-aggressive and is even more offensive.”

Reader 2: “It’s called puberty. Every male goes through the same process when their voice changes. The ‘strange growth period’ will end. Your nephew will then likely have the most soothing baritone or base voice you can imagine.”

Error! Sorry, there was an error processing your request.

There was a problem with the recaptcha. Please try again.

You may unsubscribe at any time. By signing up, you agree to our terms of use and privacy policy. This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google privacy policy and terms of service apply.

Opinion articles are based on the author’s interpretations and judgments of facts, data and events. More details

Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca