Dear Vix: My father has never returned the money he borrowed 40 years ago - The Independent

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I am 68, and something that happened when I was 28 still causes me hurt.

During my first year of marriage, things were difficult, and my husband was speaking to a legal advisor about divorce. My parents disliked him, and my father told me to give him all my savings for safekeeping, saying my husband might otherwise take the money. I had been working as a teacher for six or seven years. I trusted my father, so I did as he advised.

My marriage continued, but my father never returned my savings. My mother repeatedly told him to give the money back while she was alive. Sadly, she died in 2020. Over the years, I have raised this with both my father and my older brother. Both have promised that I would get my money back, but those promises have never been kept. In 2022 or 2023, my brother said he would return it when he came back from Switzerland. He never did.

My father now has dementia. My older brother and his family live with him, and, as I understand it, my brother has moved my father’s savings and pension income into a joint account. Although I am also named as an attorney for my father’s financial affairs and health and welfare, my brother has practical control over everything.

My siblings know about the money, but we do not have close relationships. This was originally a private arrangement between my father and me; I did not discuss it with any of them. I feel embarrassed that they now know, and deeply hurt that none of them will fight my corner.

For me, this also reflects how daughters can be treated as second-class citizens in some Asian families. Within my own family, I feel my brother’s interests carry more weight than mine. I am left feeling that I should quietly accept what has happened, even though these were my earnings.

It is not simply about the money. It is about having trusted my father and spending 40 years waiting for that trust to be honoured. The lack of support from my family makes it even more painful.

I am a pensioner with limited means and cannot afford to spend money on legal fees. I have already spoken up and asked repeatedly, so what can I do when promises lead nowhere? How can I seek a fair resolution and find some peace?

The clue is in the name: you are heartbroken, over this. And I can completely understand why. Three men that you trusted broke that trust: your husband, your father, and now, your brother. They didn’t “just” control you financially, but they dismissed you and your repeated pleas for retribution. I am very sorry that this has happened to you.

But for secrets to have power, they need to exist in secrecy. What I would urge you to do now is to not let them. I know this will be hard, and I appreciate that you’ve spoken up already and repeatedly, but to get your power back – as well as the money, which is rightfully yours – you’re going to need to bring all of these murky family lies out into the open. I’d like you to call Citizens Advice for some support and to be pointed towards people that can help you. You could also consider legal advisors who work pro bono.

But I, personally, would start with your family, first. Ideally, in a family meeting attended by all of those who know and who are involved. People know by now, anyway. You are merely telling the truth of this horrible situation. Try to remember that.

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I would present your “case” like a lawyer might: state, quite calmly, what happened to you and the specific amount that’s outstanding. But I would try to avoid talking too emotionally (though it is certainly emotional). What you want is a non-negotiable, facts-driven account of what you are owed – and finish with a deadline. Agree with your brother that when your dad’s estate or will is read, the money will be paid back to you, as owed. Ask him to put it in writing. From now on: put everything in writing. It will help if your brother backtracks or steps out of line.

And if the idea of a face-to-face family meeting feels too overwhelming, then write a detailed account of what has happened (and a timeline), and circulate it to your inner family circle by email. Importantly, make it clear what you are asking for: reimbursement of your original savings, to be paid either immediately or on sale of your father’s property. Ask everyone to sign and send it back to you. If needs be, tell a white lie about how you’ll be sending it straight to your solicitor. Tell them they have requested a return within 48 hours.

When a tricky situation is transparent and laid out, people can’t run quite so easily – or hide. They can’t simply shrug and murmur some nonsense about “moving funds around”. They might still ignore it, but it will certainly give them pause to remember their consciences.

Your brother is the key holder of this situation. I don’t know if he has “reasons” for not standing by what he should have done decades ago – he may claim that he’s been busy, or stressed, or looking after his own family and everyone’s finances, and he “simply hasn’t had time or headspace to sort this out” – but either way, you deserve an answer.

Did you sign any papers or contracts when you handed over your savings to your father for so-called “safekeeping”? I realise it was a long time ago, so it might be tricky, but even a note or a letter, acknowledging receipt, might help.

You mentioned your mother, who you sadly lost in 2020, repeatedly asking for the money; and your brother said he’d return it when he came back from Switzerland – how did he tell you, was it verbal? Do you have a text or WhatsApp message? I’m looking for a paper trail, however tenuous, to show your family – or a lawyer.

In legal terms, your brother should not be using any of the money in your father’s account for his own personal gain – the rules around power of attorney are very strict on that. It must always be used to act in the donor’s best interests. Secondly, as you both hold joint power of attorney, you must agree on every decision relating to your father and his finances together – and keep the evidence of your agreement.

The worst case scenario here, I think, is that the money has already gone: that your father and brother saw fit to use it for their own means. If that’s true, then it’s a tragedy and a betrayal – but I still think you’ll be better off for knowing the answer. It’s always the limbo that hurts most. You need and deserve to know the truth, and to know where you stand. And when it comes to processing the hurt of the way your family have treated you, I’d love you to talk to a counsellor. Your can do that via your GP.

You are the victim here, and you have been wronged. It’s time to show yourself some compassion – and righteous anger.

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