EU in space: Going boldly where plenty of people have gone before

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

The world is such a burning dumpster fire that perhaps Europe is right to be casting envious glances toward space.

The European Union is already quite a lot like outer space, of course, as it’s mysterious, ungovernable and, in the case of Brussels’ EU Quarter, has no atmosphere!

Just yesterday, European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen publicly endorsed a proposed space project between Airbus, Leonardo and Thales, with the three satellite makers looking to create a rival to tech trillionaire Elon Musk’s Starlink. It might not be as good, but at least it won’t be owned by a man who names his children by smashing his face into a keyboard.

Alas, the name for the proposed European firms’ space venture is Bromo, which sounds like being told to wait a minute by a man who’s really into crypto.

Von der Leyen was speaking at the International Space Summit hosted by French President Emmanuel Macron, who wants Europe to develop a crewed (as opposed to crude) spaceflight program within a decade. It’s a bold move, even if rather unlikely given the speed with which things move in Europe.

But let’s say it happens and in 2036, Europeans are regularly flying into space for their holidays to escape what’s become the commonplace searing 45-degree August heat in northern Scandinavia (alas, the Schuman roundabout still isn’t finished in 2036 and can’t be used as a launchpad, so the EU has paved over Luxembourg instead).

What happens if they encounter alien life? Which language will be used to communicate with extraterrestrials? I’m going with German, as it’s direct and intimidating. And what if these visitors from deep space want to invade and have their eye (singular) on Europe? I’m just not sure that Frontex, the EU’s border control agency, has the resources to cope with an alien invasion unless there’s a massive increase in funding in the 2034-2041 Multiannual Financial Framework.

Of course it’s increasingly difficult to know what the EU will look like by the end of 2027, let alone 2036. I’m going with a surprising amount of continuity, as even the far-right governments that have taken over the bloc have found dismantling the bureaucracy far too tiresome and have just left it alone.

In this reality, space policy remains in the hands of the Commission, which is overseen by an AI-generated version of von der Leyen. The actual Maroš Šefčovič remains commissioner for trade, as he’s used to dealing with undesirable alien creatures thanks to his work on Brexit.

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