For All Those Observing National Pickle Day, I Present You This Dill Pickle Lube - VICE

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Some people drink the juice straight out of the pickle jar. I’d like to know how many of them would still be into it if the pickle juice were on somebody’s dick. LUBELIFE, a company that already makes cotton candy- and piña colada-flavored lube, has given them a way to find out.

LUBELIFE first released its limited-edition Dill Pickle Flavored Lubricant in July, and it’s back just in time for National Pickle Day on November 14. Apparently it’s the world’s first and only dill pickle-flavored lube, and I believe it.

The water-based lube costs $12.99, and is supposed to taste tangy and briny, like the stuff at the bottom of a pickle jar. It’s made for oral play and works with latex and polyisoprene condoms and most sex toys.

Pickle flavor has had a hell of a year. Pabst Blue Ribbon and Grillo’s made a pickle beer, and Flamin’ Hot Dill Pickle Cheetos did well enough to earn a permanent spot in the snack aisle. Both make sense to me. A cold beer and a salty pickle are already a decent pairing. I have more questions about what happens when you bring that same flavor to bed, and on body parts.

“Do you like pickles?” is a normal thing to ask on a lunch date. Ask it while you’re taking your pants off and I’m going to assume there’s a whole ass pickle in the nightstand you want to shove in my pussy. Just show me the bottle first.

If a dick is the same shade of green as a dill pickle, I’d be very concerned. Size-wise, though? A full-size dill is perfectly respectable. I guess that’s what LUBELIFE means by “Big Dill Energy.” I can already picture someone on OnlyFans putting on a deli apron and asking, “What can I get you?” The special is a dickle sandwich. Hold the mayo.

I do want to know how close they got to an actual dill pickle flavor. A dick can taste a little salty on its own. But if I go down on somebody and my first thought is Vlasic, I’m laughing.

Anyway, National Pickle Day is November 14. How you observe it is between you and whoever’s coming over.