I'm childless not by choice, but I do have biological children - ABC News & Headlines – Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Brett says the process of sperm donation was thorough, and has helped him grieve not being able to have children of his own. (Pexels: Matheus Bertelli)

People would often tell Brett he'd make a great dad.

"I'd always go, 'I appreciate that,"' the 49-year-old from NSW says. "But to know I couldn't … that did hurt." 

After trying to have a baby for many years, Brett (not his real name) and his wife were told by a fertility specialist they would be unlikely to conceive naturally. The couple decided not to pursue IVF. 

Brett had been considering becoming a sperm donor. But, fearing it would upset his wife, he never shared his desire.

Then, after learning his cousin used an egg donor to get pregnant, it was his wife who suggested he consider donating.

We spoke with Brett about how assisting others with infertility has helped his own grief with childlessness.

We'd tried on and off over the years to get pregnant.

When we went to a fertility clinic, they did some tests and said it would take a lot of IVF and even then, may not be successful.

My wife also went through early menopause. So that put a full stop on the biological aspect.

I love my wife very much and she loves me, and we always thought we'd like to have a little one of us at home to grow and nurture.

It was a very sad thing to know that wasn't going to happen for us.

I'd had the thought about donating for years. But knowing that my wife couldn't get pregnant, I thought it would be unfair of me to mention that.

Then my cousin fell pregnant with a donor egg and my wife said, "I wouldn't mind if you donated."

My wife is a lovely person and always has other people in mind.

I was so happy and said, "Honestly, I've been thinking about it for a while."

What I didn't know at the time was that 45 is the cut-off for donation, which is how old I was when my wife and I discussed it.

I contacted a donor program operated by a fertility care provider in Australia.

There were some forms to fill in. You have some blood tests and genetic screening done.

The process also involved a questionnaire for things like books I've read, my favourite movies, any hobbies I have. It asked about jobs and education, a little bit about family.

You also share details like your eye colour, cultural background. This all helps the recipient have a bit more understanding about you.

I provided photos of when I was three and six years old.

The other component was a psychological screening in the form of speaking to a counsellor.

And if you're married, you need to let them know. My wife had a separate conversation with the counsellor.

She really coached us through what a big deal this is; not something to be taken lightly.

You're not a father, you're a donor.

You don't have any legal obligation or attachment to the child you help create.

The counsellor also asks about how you would feel if the children were to make contact.

[Donor-conceived individuals can access a donor's identifying information when they reach between 16 to 18 years of age, depending on state legislation.]

I said I would more than welcome it. It would be a wonderful thing to meet any of them.

But I also understand you have to be prepared for no-one to contact you ever. You have to be comfortable with that.

As a donor, you really have to park all personal things like, "I'd love to see what that child looks like."

You can think about it, of course, but you can't expect that curiosity to be satisfied.

When I first heard a child was born, that was when I actually told my parents.

They were so happy, they weren't even shocked.

Initially, I didn't broadcast it to people.

Now, when it comes up in conversation, like when people ask, "Do you have any kids?", I say no; then as I get to know them better, I might share that I have donated.

It's been good to get people's reactions and let them know parts of the process they might not have been aware of.

On my last check, there were five children born using my sperm.

I would say after accepting being childless, this has given me a bounce in my step.

It's fulfilling to know there are children out there. It's helping people. I feel good about that.