Lisi Tesher: I saw a man doing something unacceptable in a park, but didn’t say anything. I can’t stop thinking about it. Ask Lisi - Toronto Star

And Lisi advises a reader who can't let go of a long-ago betrayal.

Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca

Q Someone close to me did something truly despicable — and illegal — that caused severe harm. To avoid years of agonizing litigation and stress, I chose not to press charges. This person is powerful and wealthy. Instead, I quietly removed myself from their life and went completely no-contact.

Even though I made the choice to walk away, I’m left dealing with an overwhelming amount of resentment. Every day, a deep, gnawing anger consumes me. I find myself wanting to hurt them as deeply as they hurt me. I’ve never been a vindictive or vengeful person, but I’ve also never experienced a betrayal of this magnitude. I don’t recognize who I am anymore.

How do I process and handle all this hatred so it stops eating away at me?

A Unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll successfully be able to put this behind you until you contact the authorities. Despicable, illegal and causing severe harm are not easy things to get over — nor should they be. That’s why we have a judicial system.

However, if you’re unwilling to do so, you’d benefit from some deep therapy. An opportunity to gain validation, work through your anger, your feelings of betrayal and learn the tools necessary for moving past this to lead a happy and successful life.

As you said, it was your choice to walk away, and it is your choice to harbour feelings of resentment, anger and hatred. You need to learn how to walk away from those as well.

Q One day, while out walking my dog in a small, forested area in a park in the city, I came across a man in his early to mid-20s urinating on a tree. I assumed he was desperate, and since there wasn’t a washroom anywhere nearby, he had let loose while his dog roamed freely. I was astonished to note he did not have a dog, nowhere I could see.

He didn’t excuse himself or acknowledge his actions. He just looked at me and zipped up. I cast my eyes away and walked along briskly. I was indeed uncomfortable as at that moment, there was no one else in my line of sight.

About 10 minutes later, I came upon a woman and her dog but I just kept walking. I made a beeline for a more public area of the park, away from the forested area and continued to walk my dog.

Should I have “warned” that woman? Yes, public urination is illegal and unacceptable, but he wasn’t out on the main streets. He was, at least, in the woods where only a passing dog walker would have seen him.

It’s been a week and I can’t stop thinking about it.

A A single woman walking alone in the woods, even in the light of day, can be prey to someone unhinged. But we can’t assume this man had bad intentions simply because he was peeing on a tree. On the one hand, he chose the privacy of the woods as opposed to the sidewalk. On the other hand, if he was unencumbered by a dog, then he could have done what any other person would have and found a washroom nearby.

I understand why you felt you should “warn” this woman, and I think I also understand why you didn’t say anything. The situation was unclear.

However, I think that, unfortunately, in our world today, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Had you mentioned what you encountered to this woman, she could have just had heightened senses and not been surprised if she came upon this young man. And if they hopefully just walked by one another, there would have been no harm in telling her.

FEEDBACK Regarding the teen anxious about university (Aug. 27):

Reader: “Having anxieties and concerns is positive, because it shows that her daughter really cares. And that she’s on the first steps to adulthood. This is one of the first major changes in her daughter’s life.

“I’m sincerely hoping that she’s acknowledging her daughter’s anxiety.

“If possible, take a tour of the campus. Often student services open early, if not open all summer. And do some research online.

“She has already experienced transitions: elementary school to middle school to high school. University is essentially just the next transition. She is already in the top group by the simple fact she’s been accepted at this university. Not everyone gets accepted.

“On her first days, their daughter will discover she is only one of many first-year students with similar anxieties and help will be readily available. The first step is always the hardest.”

Error! Sorry, there was an error processing your request.

There was a problem with the recaptcha. Please try again.

You may unsubscribe at any time. By signing up, you agree to our terms of use and privacy policy. This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google privacy policy and terms of service apply.

Opinion articles are based on the author’s interpretations and judgments of facts, data and events. More details

Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca