More than a new look: the hidden reality behind the post-divorce glow-up - TimesLIVE

The idea of a “divorce glow-up” has sparked conversation on social media about whether people look and feel different after leaving a marriage.

For Lungi Mbele, the change was noticeable emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually.

“The glow comes from doing things I like without having to wait for approval,” she said.

During her marriage, Mbele said she often felt she needed her husband’s approval, including when spending money. She also stopped attending church regularly because her husband did not like her spending too much time there.

After the divorce, she returned to church, joined choirs and became involved in services again. She also began wearing clothes she felt comfortable in, including trousers, which had not been acceptable within the cultural expectations of her marriage.

Receiving half of the marital assets gave her another sense of freedom.

Mbele said she felt “on top of the world” because she could now make financial decisions for herself and use her money without asking for permission.

“The money I earn is mine. I decide what I want to do with it,” she said.

But her recovery was not immediate. The early period after the divorce was difficult as she tried to understand what had happened and rebuild her life. Support groups for divorced women, where participants could speak to psychologists and one another, helped her through the process.

Mbele also cautioned against assuming that social media shows the full reality of life after divorce. Some women, she said, changed their appearance, bought new things or posted pictures to convince family and society that they were doing well, even when they were still struggling privately.

Emihle Mothoa understands that contrast.

“I was already out before I even decided that I was coming out,” she said.

By the time the divorce happened, she had already lost much of her emotional attachment to the marriage.

What followed was not an instant transformation. She left with three children, unemployed and had very little.

She left with one blanket belonging to her mother and a few pots and had to start again. Yet she describes that period as the beginning of a different relationship with herself.

“If you compare me now and when I was in marriage, those are two different people,” she told TimesLIVE.

“I’m so happy, glowing and beautiful. I’m everything I never thought I’d be.”

Mothoa is now working and earning her own money. She said being able to work for herself and decide how to use what she earns has changed her sense of independence.

But she is also clear that the glow-up does not mean every day is easy. There are days when she looks at her children and wonders what their lives might have been like had she stayed.

“There are days I lock myself away and cry and question myself, but we move and carry on.”

The experience is not exclusive to women.

Sipho Shongwe said his own post-divorce changes were largely visible through his physical appearance and lifestyle.

After his divorce, he followed advice commonly given to men after a breakup: exercise, eat healthier, take care of himself, change his clothing, smell good and travel.

As he became more physically fit, people began complimenting him without knowing what he had been going through. Friends even joked that marriage had been holding him back.

Pictures he posted online prompted people to describe his transformation as a “divorce glow-up”.

But Shongwe said looking better did not mean he was immediately happier.

He had been married to his university sweetheart and said the first two years after the divorce were emotionally difficult, despite the changes people could see from the outside.

“People confuse looking different with being happy,” he told TimesLIVE. He said there were still moments when he was alone and had to accept that the marriage was over.

Financial independence was another significant change for him.

While married he had felt responsible not only for his children and wife but also for members of her family. At one point, he said, he borrowed R10,000 every month from a loan shark to make it to the next payday.

After the divorce, he continued supporting his children but said he had more financial room to assist his younger sisters with their studies.

He also described a greater sense of personal freedom.

He could go out with friends without feeling that he had to explain where he was or worry about conflict when he returned home late.

For Shongwe, however, the lesson from the “divorce glow-up” trend is not to assume that a person who looks happier online is necessarily emotionally healed.

Divorce attorney Simon Dippenaar, founder and managing partner of SD Law (Simon Dippenaar & Associates), said there could be several reasons for a noticeable change in someone’s lifestyle or appearance after divorce.

“For some women, the change may reflect having greater control over their time, money and everyday decisions,” he said.

Where a marriage involved persistent conflict or financial control, leaving it could create space to reconnect with friends, pursue work opportunities and prioritise personal wellbeing.

Dippenaar said a divorce settlement could also give someone access to assets or funds that help them establish a separate home and rebuild their life.

But he cautioned against assuming that a photograph tells the full story.

“We cannot tell from a photograph whether someone received a substantial settlement, is financially secure, or is still managing considerable difficulties.”

Someone could have less disposable income after divorce and still feel that their quality of life had improved, he told TimesLIVE.

For Dippenaar, the sense of freedom can be real, while social media still presents an incomplete picture.

“Both can be true. A woman’s sense of relief or renewed independence can be entirely real, while a social media post gives us only a small part of her experience.”

A celebratory photograph does not show the financial adjustments, grief or parenting difficulties that may exist alongside it.

“Someone can look happier after divorce without being wealthier. Greater control over her own life may be the most significant change,” he said.

That distinction runs through the experiences of Mbele, Mothoa and Shongwe.

The “divorce glow-up” may be visible in a new outfit, a changed body, a holiday, financial independence or simply a person appearing more comfortable in themselves.

But what cannot always be seen is the process behind it or what is happening when the camera is turned off.