My divorced parents live across the country from each other. They both have dementia. Do I have to take care of them? - Toronto Star

And Lisi advises a letter writer whose sister displays poor RSVP etiquette.

Q I’m an only child of divorced parents. We all live in different cities across Canada. Both of my parents remarried, though my mother is widowed. Both of my parents have been diagnosed with dementia.

My mother’s sister lives in the same city as her, and my father’s wife is a decade younger than he, and very healthy. Neither of these two women appear to be interested in any form of caregiving.

How am I supposed to care for both of my parents, on opposite sides of the country, while still maintaining my full-time career, my marriage and my own children? My husband is a very helpful partner but he also has a high-intensity career.

A Fortunately, there are competent adults living with, or close by, each of your parents. It’s time for you to step up your asks. Maybe your aunt is unaware of how bad things are with your mother. Talk to her. Fill her in. Ask her if she’d be willing to take on more responsibility. If she says yes, great. If she says no, you may have to find an alternate solution such as a live-in caregiver (if affordable), or moving your mom to an assisted-living facility. Another option would be moving her to your city, if she’s amenable.

Now you need to talk to your father’s wife. Is she in denial, or simply uninterested in being a caregiver? If the former, you and she must get your dad assessed so she can face his reality. If the latter, again, you may need to hire a live-in caregiver, move him to an assisted-living facility, or again, suggest moving him to your city.

Find a social worker who specializes in dementia, who can help you navigate the intercity systems, and who may have more practical ways to help you.

Q My sister constantly ignores invitations to family events and then acts surprised when no one expects her. My cousin recently got married and invited us all, including my sister. It was a small event, and I helped her do most of it on her own to save money.

We sent out a save-the-date email six months ago so people could put it in their calendars. We had so many sweet replies, even though we didn’t ask for anyone to RSVP. I specifically asked my sister in front of our cousin if she’d received the email. She said yes and we then asked if she’d put it in her calendar so she wouldn’t forget, which she said she did.

Four months later, we sent out the invitations and asked for a reply one month in advance of the event. Eighty per cent of the guests replied almost immediately. You guessed it — my sister never replied. On the last possible date before we had to confirm numbers, we went together to see her and ask her, face-to-face if she was coming. She refused to commit even though we explained that we needed to know.

And then, on my cousin’s wedding day, my sister showed up and made a scene because there wasn’t a place for her. What is wrong with her?

A Your sister sounds as though she suffers from something deeper than just selfishness or flakiness. I can’t diagnose what’s causing her detachment and inability to commit. Nor do I think you can change her. She needs to want to change.

I recognize that you tried your best to work within her abilities, but it didn’t work and you ended up just as frustrated. To keep the peace, I would have suggested you set a place for her and swallow the cost if she hadn’t shown up. That won’t change her, or teach her anything, but I think her issues are deeper than that.

Reader: “A few years ago I met an elderly man who was physically and emotionally exhausted from caring for his wife who had dementia. I did some research and found an organization here in Victoria, which offered caregiver respite.

“In B.C., the cost is covered by our medical plan, although I don’t know if that’s similar in other provinces. Perhaps the woman taking care of her sister should investigate this, as soon as possible.

“If she continues to try to take care of everyone, except herself, she’ll burn out and be of no help to anyone.”

Reader #2: “I’m wondering if there are palliative care supports available where the woman and her sister live. I’m lucky to live in Muskoka, where Andy’s House and Hospice at Home provide services that are invaluable to people struggling with cancer and other terminal illnesses, like this woman and her sister.”

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Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca