'Never give in' – Nick Evans shares his powerful fight against suicidal thoughts - IOL

Durban snake rescuer Nick Evans has opened up about his more than 10-year battle with clinical depression, severe anxiety and complex PTSD, revealing how suicidal thoughts have affected his life and the people closest to him, and sharing the family, treatment, music, nature and purpose that help him through his darkest days.

Durban snake rescuer Nick Evans has opened up about his more than 10-year battle with suicidal thoughts, revealing the devastating reality of living with clinical depression, severe anxiety and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Evans shared his deeply personal experience during Suicide Prevention Month, saying he was speaking about his struggles not for attention or pity, but in the hope that someone battling similar thoughts might recognise themselves in his experience.

“My clinical depression, severe anxiety and complex PTSD have all led me to battles with suicidal thoughts for over 10 years,” he said.

His mental health struggles have, at times, become so severe that he has been hospitalised twice. He has also undergone various treatments, taken different medications and seen numerous doctors.

In recent years, he said, he had been fortunate to find a psychologist and psychiatrist who worked well for him.

But even with treatment, the suicidal thoughts have not simply disappeared.

“Despite receiving good treatment, my suicidal thoughts come in waves. Sometimes for long periods of time, sometimes for a day or few.” said Evans.

Evans described the experience as one of feeling trapped in an exhausting mental battle, with hopelessness, overthinking and a loss of happiness among the symptoms he experiences.

He said he sometimes struggled to find joy even when something objectively positive happened, a symptom known as anhedonia.

He also described constantly seeking reassurance, doubting himself and becoming overwhelmed by worries that might otherwise seem small.

“Sometimes, though, I'm in a frame of mind when I don't feel like this,” Evans said.

For Evans, the battle can become physical.

“When I'm suicidal, I consider it strongly because I'm in so much pain, that I just want the suffering, the mental battle to end,” he said.

“I want to be out of the pain, out of the stress.”

The scale of suicide in SA highlights why conversations about mental health and suicide prevention remain so important.

According to the South African Federation for Mental Health (SAFMH), approximately 23 suicides and 230 serious suicide attempts occur in the country every day.

“SA is ranked 10th on the list of countries with the highest number of suicides, with a rate of almost 24 people per 100,000,” SAFMH said.

The organisation also highlighted a stark gender disparity in the country's suicide figures.

“Of the 13,774 suicides recorded in SA in a particular year, 10,861 (78.85%) were men, while only 2,913 (21.15%) were women,” SAFMH said.

“These figures translated into a rate of almost 38 per 100,000 for men, and approximately 10 per 100,000 for women,” the organisation said.

Yet amid those darkest moments, Evans has found reasons to keep going.

His family remains one of his strongest anchors, particularly his wife and mother. He said he knows that losing him would devastate them, even when his mind is telling him otherwise.

He also holds on to words that were instilled in him as a child by his mother and grandfather: “Never give in/up.”

His wife, he said, has been a huge source of support.

Treatment remains part of his daily life, including medication and appointments with his psychologist and psychiatrist. He has also joined a South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) support group.

But one of the biggest sources of relief for Evans is found far from the city, among wildlife and wilderness.

The bush, he said, gives him a sense of happiness that can be difficult to find elsewhere.

“The number one treatment for me, though, is being in the bush.”

Nature reserves around Durban provide some relief, but Evans said he feels most at peace in the game reserves of northern KwaZulu-Natal, the Kruger National Park and other wilderness areas.

He immerses himself in wildlife, botany, animal tracks, sights and smells.

It is there that he dreams of eventually living and working.

“I plan to one day live and work in the bush. I simply have to,” he said.

Evans also believes there can be purpose in his work rescuing reptiles.

On busy days, rescuing snakes and other reptiles keeps his mind occupied and gives him a sense of purpose.

But even the work he loves can become difficult when his mental health deteriorates.

“Of course, rescuing reptiles, especially those busy days, keeps my mind busy, and keeps me content,” he said.

He acknowledged that the sad cases affect him, but said he tries to focus on successful rescues.

During his darkest periods, however, even answering the phone can feel overwhelming.

For Evans, speaking publicly about his experience is ultimately about reaching someone who may be silently fighting the same battle.

He hopes that by sharing what has helped him stay alive, others may find something that helps them through their own darkest moments.

“I hope this helped a reader, who is struggling, to relate, and maybe try some of the things that keep me alive,” Evans said.

He also hopes his honesty can help those who love someone living with suicidal thoughts better understand what that person may be experiencing.

“I hope I helped someone who lives with someone who suffers, in order to understand that person,” he said.