One Thing Couples With Good Sex Lives Have in Common, According to a New Study - VICE
It’s hard to feel sexy around someone who can’t be bothered to understand why you’re upset. Even if they’re extremely attractive naked.
A new study published in The Journal of Sex Research suggests that empathy could have something to do with how happy couples are in bed. Researchers at the Université de Montréal surveyed 190 Canadian couples between 18 and 29 years old, asking about their relationships, sexual desire, and how well they understood their partners’ feelings. The couples had been together for just under three years on average and included people in monogamous, open, and polyamorous relationships.
Each person rated their ability to see things from their partner’s perspective and how much they cared when that person was struggling. They also answered questions about their sex lives, including how satisfied they were and how much they wanted to have sex with their partner.
The researchers found that people who considered themselves more empathetic generally reported greater sexual satisfaction and desire. Their partners were also happier with their sex lives, although having an empathetic partner wasn’t associated with wanting sex more often.
Having a partner who understands you doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to want sex more often. As lead author Emmanuelle Maindron told PsyPost, “Feeling understood and having an attentive partner does not necessarily translate into greater sexual desire.” Stress and whatever else someone has going on in their life can influence how interested they are in sex, regardless of how happy they are with their relationship.
A 2016 series of studies by researchers Gurit Birnbaum and Harry Reis found that people who felt their partners were attentive to their needs reported stronger sexual desire, especially women. But there’s an important difference in how the researchers approached these questions. The Montreal study asked participants to rate their own empathy, while the earlier research looked at how responsive people felt their partners were. And let’s face it, most of us probably give ourselves a little too much credit for being thoughtful partners.
The Canadian study also relied on self-reported answers collected at one point in time, so researchers can’t say that empathy directly improves sex. The associations were relatively modest, and many other factors influence desire.
It’s funny how much energy couples can spend trying to improve their sex lives while overlooking how they treat each other the rest of the day. Feeling understood won’t automatically make someone horny, but it certainly doesn’t hurt.
