Parents are running on empty — and ‘self-care’ isn’t fixing it - IOL

All parents strive for perfection but it comes at a cost.

If you are a parent sitting in your car outside the grocery store, staring into space because the thought of heading inside to decide on dinner feels completely overwhelming, you are not just tired.

You are likely experiencing parental burnout.

In South Africa, where economic pressures, work demands, safety concerns, and the daily grind of family logistics collide, parents are running on empty at unprecedented levels.

Yet, when exhaustion hits, the standard advice offered is almost always the same: practice self-care. Take a bath. Meditate. Go for a walk.

According to South African clinical and counselling psychologists, that advice is not only failing parents, but it is making the problem worse.

Parental burnout is fundamentally different from the fatigue that follows a busy weekend or a sleepless night with a toddler.

"Research conceptualises parental burnout as more than ordinary tiredness," says counselling psychologist Muhammad Coovadia.

"It involves profound exhaustion, emotional distancing from children, and a sense of reduced effectiveness in the parental role. Burnout becomes more likely when the demands placed on parents chronically exceed their available resources."

When you are simply tired, a night of sleep restores your energy.

When you are burnt out, your nervous system has been operating in prolonged survival mode for so long that rest no longer feels regenerative.

"Parental burnout involves prolonged physical and emotional exhaustion associated with sustained parenting demands and inadequate opportunities for recovery," explains Clinical Psychologist Dr Malebo Mashaba.

"When a parent is continually operating under stress without sufficient support or rest, it can affect their emotional wellbeing, relationships, and ability to function effectively."

There are days that no matter how much sleep you get you're still exhausted and unable to be parent you want to be.

Part of why so many parents are drowning is that the definition of what makes a "good parent" has expanded exponentially.

Modern parents have access to endless advice, developmental milestones, expert podcasts, and school WhatsApp groups.

But more information has translated into more perceived responsibility.

Enter the era of "intensive parenting", a model where parents feel personally responsible for optimising every single aspect of their child's academic, emotional, and social development.

"Parents today face extraordinarily high expectations, and social media has amplified them," Coovadia notes.

"We are constantly shown images of the ideal parent: the perfect lunchbox, enriching activities, emotionally regulated children, and endlessly patient parents. Even when we know these images are curated, they become standards against which parents measure themselves."

Even the best parents need help and shouldn't be afraid to ask for it.

When an overwhelmed parent is told to practice self-care, it often feels like adding another item to an already impossible to-do list.

"Here is where the self-care conversation has to grow up," says Coovadia.

"Telling a drowning parent to take a bath or meditate is well-meant, but it misses the point when there is no childcare, money is tight, the hours are long, and the mental load never clocks off.

Self-care cannot compensate for the absence of social care."

Dr Mashaba agrees that framing self-care as the primary solution places the blame back on the individual.

"If a parent is overwhelmed because they are carrying an unsustainable level of responsibility, telling them to find more time for self-care simply can inadvertently place another responsibility on an already exhausted person."

This pressure is compounded by the "mental load", the invisible work of constantly anticipating, planning, remembering, and coordinating the household.

"The mental load is particularly important because much of it is invisible," says Dr Mashaba.

"Even when a parent is physically resting, their mind may still be occupied with what needs to be done next."

In South Africa, this mental tax wears an economic hat.

Navigating school fees, transport, security, extended family support, and demanding working hours leaves virtually no psychological space for true recovery.

No amount of self-care replaces real parental support.

If self-care isn't the cure, what is?

Both experts agree that addressing parental burnout requires moving away from expecting parents to simply "cope better" and toward actively lifting the weight they carry.

"The question should not only be, 'How can this parent cope better?'" Dr Mashaba points out, "but also, 'What is contributing to this parent's psychological load, and what support can reduce it?'

"Children do not need superhuman, endlessly patient parents who operate in a state of quiet depletion.

They need supported parents who are given the grace and the community help to be human.