RESENTMENT: The silent marriage killer - IOL
Resentment in marriage builds over time. It starts with small disappointments and grows
IN COUPLES counselling, I have found resentment one of the harder issues to work through. It sits quietly in the background, like a referee keeping score. The problem is that the scorecard is based on each partner's experiences and beliefs.
Resentment builds over time. It starts with small disappointments and grows: "You said you would do it, but you didn’t. You never asked how my day had gone. I supported you when you needed me, but you weren’t there for me when I needed you. I am the only one doing the work".
Over time, resentment grows like a silent poison tree, known only to the couple. Couples carry on with life. It’s only in the quiet spaces of intimate relationships that the full force of resentment is felt. It’s often a small incident, a word, or a repeated action that triggers a flood of deep, unresolved hurt. After the incident, it’s packed away, quietly growing, until an unexpected day when it resurfaces.
Resentment is unresolved anger carried over time. It is disappointment remembered, rehearsed, and added to the evidence against our partner. Eventually, an argument is no longer about the dishes or the forgotten anniversary. It is about the emotional meaning those incidents represent.
Some of us have been taught that expressing anger is not okay, so we hide our true feelings. If this is your style, as a partner or a couple, you will be at higher risk of resentment developing, as this is the only unspoken way of getting on with relational life.
Resentment exacts a high cost on relationships. Recently, I picked a bunch of barnacles off a stone. The cluster looked pretty, but barnacles, like resentment, cause significant damage. A single barnacle attached to a ship's hull is hardly a problem. But barnacles grow and multiply. Eventually, the hull becomes covered, increasing drag. The ship requires more energy to move, loses speed, becomes less efficient, and is more costly to maintain. Resentment works much the same way in a marriage.
Resentment is often hard to repair when couples feel defeated – what’s the point? Withdrawal only makes matters worse. To avoid further disappointment, one or both partners may stop trying. Two people can end up living in the same house while living separate lives.
R - Recognise it: Notice resentment before it becomes your emotional default. Ask: "What am I feeling? What disappointment am I carrying? What have I stopped discussing?" Sarcasm, irritability, emotional distance and disproportionate reactions can all be warning signs.
E - Express it: Talk about disappointment while it is still manageable. Describe your experience rather than attacking your partner. Compare “You never care about me” with “When that happened, I felt unimportant and alone.” The former attacks identity, while the latter opens a conversation.
S - Seek to understand: Before demanding an apology or change, be curious. From your partner’s perspective, what happened? Understanding does not mean agreeing with or excusing harmful behaviour. It means recognising that you may not know the whole story.
E - Empathise: Empathy means taking your partner’s emotional experience seriously, even when it differs from yours. Instead of asking only, “Do you understand why I’m upset?”, ask, “Can you understand what this was like for me?” Empathy must work both ways.
N - Negotiate: Love does not automatically create good relationship habits. Couples must negotiate responsibilities, finances, parenting, work, intimacy, time and expectations. Instead of asking, “Who is right?”, ask, “What do we need to do differently from here?” Repair requires behavioural change, not merely better explanations.
T - Tend the relationship: A marriage cannot survive on problem-solving alone. Couples also need laughter, affection, friendship, appreciation, shared interests, and time together without an agenda. A marriage needs regular relational maintenance.
Don’t ignore the early signs of resentment. It is an important signal that the relationship needs care, nurturing, or repair. Ignoring resentment can lead to denial, and everything may seem okay on the surface until it becomes too heavy to bear. Speak up while there is still something worth protecting.
Get the help you need as early as possible. Sometimes, couples reach a stalemate, withdraw, or give up. Some couples are in harder, more toxic, and even abusive relationships, where resentment is one of many challenges to manage, or it might have been the start of the difficulty. Couples counselling can be of great help, with a neutral mediator, a professional who can help you untangle the messiness and do the necessary repair work with care.
Dr Stanley Arumugam is a psychologist and leadership coach.
