The Breakup Trend That’s Basically the Opposite of Ghosting - VICE

Instead of ghosting your soon-to-be ex-partner this spooky season, why not have an actual, respectful conversation like a mature adult?

This breakup tactic is so rare today that it actually has its own name: the “connected goodbye.” According to The New York Times, a “connected goodbye” is a healthier way to handle a breakup. Priya Parker, a conflict resolution facilitator, coined and defined “the connected goodbye” as “the refusal to allow the slow fade or the quiet exit,” as she wrote in her book, The Art of Fighting: The Transformative Power of Conflict.

According to Whitney Willborn, LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker at BasePoint BreakThrough, “A connected goodbye is when you intend for your relationship to be over and express that in a way so others can understand what’s happening (versus just giving them no indication).”

In other words, this is the complete opposite of “ghosting,” a painful breakup tactic that involves cutting off all communication with zero explanation or heads-up.

“[A connected goodbye] gives each of us room to process our feelings about the relationship, why we feel disappointed or sad, and to give ourselves time to realize the relationship is over,” says Willborn. “I see this as closing a book on one part of your life, but doing it with understanding vs. just leaving and not letting the other know until they find out later.”

In action, a connected goodbye looks like transparent communication between a couple enduring a breakup, yet acknowledging the connection they shared/share.

“A connected farewell typically includes open and honest dialogue; an honest expression of emotions; respect for each other’s personal boundaries; and it may include neither person agreeing on the reason(s) the relationship has ended,” says Willborn. “Healthy goodbyes do allow different views or feelings to coexist as opposed to being debatable.”

However, whether you should engage in a connected goodbye depends on the dynamics of your relationship. For example, if you’re dealing with a manipulative or toxic ex, you likely shouldn’t expose yourself to them just for the sake of closure.

“[A connected goodbye] is not always appropriate,” says Willborn. “Creating emotional disconnection through physical distance (e.g., geographic separation) can be safer than attempting to pursue closure if the communications involve a pattern of fear, manipulation, coercion, abuse, and/or repeated disregard for others’ boundaries. In some cases, repeated ‘closure’ conversations with either one person emotionally attached to the other can create continued emotional attachment instead of acceptance of the actual separation.”

If you’re considering ending your relationship, having a connected goodbye with your partner can help provide closure through a respectful, compassionate conversation.

“A couple can start their process by identifying what is required in terms of the last conversation,” says Willborn. “The couple may agree on some positive aspects of the relationship, confirm the decisions are clear, and establish guidelines for future communication. To help the couple maintain focus throughout the process, it is important to keep this as a goodbye that provides closure (respectful), rather than an opportunity to continue attempting to repair the relationship.”