The Dating Habit That Could Be Ruining Your Relationship (And How to Stop) - VICE
Dating apps have made it very easy to believe the next person might be better.
There’s always another profile. Another match. Another person who maybe has the thing this one doesn’t. The longer you keep looking, the easier it is to wonder if picking one person means missing somebody better.
Psychologist Barry Schwartz explored this in The Paradox of Choice. People who keep searching for the absolute best option tend to feel less satisfied with whatever they eventually choose than people who find something good and stop looking. John Gottman’s relationship research lands in a similar place. A “good enough” relationship can have flaws, bad moods, and arguments and still be a really good relationship.
A study found that people with unrealistic expectations for a partner were more likely to delay or skip marriage, feel less optimistic about their current relationship, and invest less in it. If part of your brain is always wondering whether someone better is out there, it’s hard to fully show up for the person sitting across from you.
Gottman’s “good enough” relationship comes down to things like respect, affection, and whether two people can come back from a fight without making each other miserable for three days. His research has repeatedly found that conflict itself isn’t the biggest issue. What happens after it is way more telling.
Mark Travers, writing in Psychology Today, notes that couples in “good enough” relationships expect some disappointment and trust that they can work through it together. Gottman’s research has also found that couples who truly like each other as people usually report stronger love, better sex, and more commitment over time.
That friendship aspect probably deserves more credit than it gets. Attraction might pull you toward someone at the beginning, but liking them is what makes you want to keep spending your life with them once the newness wears off.
Schwartz also wrote about the way endless choice makes people imagine combinations that don’t actually exist: the best qualities from several different options fused into one perfect alternative. Dating makes that easy. You can compare a real person, with all their quirks and irritating habits, to someone you’ve invented in your head who never leaves you on read and somehow shares every one of your interests.
That imaginary person will win every time.
We’ve been trained to hear “good enough” as “meh.” In this context, it’s more like knowing when something is genuinely good and giving it a chance to get stronger, instead of constantly checking whether an upgrade is available.
