The narcissist: The monster you may never see coming - IOL

By definition, narcissists are egotistical, self-focused and vain.

Narcissism, personality disorders and extreme behaviour have increasingly moved from the pages of psychology into the headlines — from Donald Trump and the Tate brothers to Amber Heard, Kanye West and other high-profile figures whose public battles have involved allegations or displays of aggression, intimidation, manipulation and, in some cases, violence.

Suddenly, words such as narcissist, psychopath, sociopath and personality disorder are no longer confined to psychiatric textbooks. They are part of the daily news cycle. They are debated on television. They dominate social media.

How do you recognise somebody whose behaviour may be psychologically destructive - particularly when that person appears successful, charismatic, powerful or even heroic to millions of others?

But this subject goes much further than celebrities, politicians and people constantly appearing in the headlines.

It can enter our homes. Our families. Our relationships. Our workplaces. Our friendships.

This article should literally have a warning label on it.

Because there is a subject that most of us know very little about, yet one that can profoundly affect our lives - narcissists.

This is not simply somebody who is vain. Not somebody who takes too many selfies. Not somebody who is occasionally selfish or arrogant. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder and we don’t recognise it.

This article is meant to correct this. It can happen at the highest levels

Dr Bandy X. Lee is a forensic psychiatrist who has worked at the intersection of psychiatry, criminal justice and public policy.

She trained at Yale and Harvard, taught at Yale and has worked with violent offenders in jails and prisons for over 25 years.

She says she increasingly recognised behaviours encountered in jail in corporate and political environments.

It means we should pay attention to behaviour because sometimes the person with the greatest influence is also the person whose behaviour affects the greatest number of people.

Consider the story of actress Evan Rachel Wood.

She was 18 when she met Brian Warner, better known as Marilyn Manson. He was 36. Their relationship became public in 2007. They dated on and off for several years and

became engaged in 2010 before separating later that year.

But years before Wood publicly named Manson, she had already begun talking about being a survivor of domestic and sexual abuse.

In testimony before the US House Judiciary Committee in 2018, Wood described what she said was a relationship involving psychological, physical and sexual abuse, severe gaslighting, brainwashing, threats to her life and rape.

She did not name her alleged abuser at the time.

A year later, while testifying before California legislators, she described further allegations, including starvation, sleep deprivation, threats against her life, surveillance of her phone and threats involving blackmail. Again, she did not identify the man.

Then, in February 2021, she named him publicly.

Wood alleged that Warner had groomed her when she was a teenager and abused her for years, saying she had been manipulated and “brainwashed” into submission. She also said she had lived in fear of retaliation, slander and blackmail. And Wood’s allegations did not stand alone.

After she went public, several other women came forward with allegations against Manson involving sexual assault, psychological abuse, coercion, intimidation and physical violence.

Manson was dropped by his record label and other professional relationships were severed following the allegations.

And there are distinct patterns in relationships involving strong narcissistic traits.

First comes idealisation. You are made to feel extraordinary.

You are special. Different. The person they have been waiting for. The attention can be intense. Then comes devaluation.

The compliments disappear. Your achievements are diminished. You are criticised. Compared with others. Made to question your own judgement.

You may be told that something you clearly remember never happened. That is where gaslighting can enter the picture.

Then comes discard. The warmth disappears. The relationship may suddenly be threatened or withdrawn.

And frequently the blame is placed firmly on you. Then comes the return. The affection comes back. The promises come back. The apologies come back. The person who hurt you may suddenly become the person you remember from the beginning. Popular discussions often call this “hoovering” - the attempt to pull somebody back into the relationship.

While this may sound strange, this pattern of idealisation, devaluation, discard and return is a clear pattern across many narcissistic relationships.

Perhaps one of the most fascinating perspectives comes from Sam Vaknin, a professor of psychology, and a diagnosed narcissist, who has written extensively about narcissism and has publicly described himself as a malignant narcissist.

His description of narcissism is extraordinary: “Narcissism is an all-pervasive cancer of the soul. Narcissists target people the way viruses target their hosts. I infect you. I take over your mind. I take over your goals - until my goals become your goals. I can become anyone and I become anyone. I am a chameleon. And because I have this capacity to become anyone, tailored precisely to your needs, I become irresistible to you. I am you.”

Clinical psychologist Dr Ramani Durvasula is a renowned clinical psychologist and Professor Emerita of Psychology at California State University. Her work has focused extensively on narcissism, personality disorders and high-conflict relationships.

She says: “A lot of narcissistic people’s backstories are painful. Their entire life is based on a singular mission to ensure that they create a fortress around themselves so that stuff can remain forever buried. And what better way to do that than through money, power, being attractive, being famous?

“Narcissistic people don’t love themselves? It is self-loathing. It is self-emptiness. The core of narcissism is insecurity and shame.”

She says at the extreme end of narcissistic behaviour is what is known as malignant narcissism.

And this is where narcissism begins to look disturbingly similar to psychopathy.

She describes malignant narcissism as “the last stop on the train before psychopathy station.”

But in their most destructive forms, they can look remarkably similar. Both can involve manipulation. Exploitation. Lying. A lack of empathy. A willingness to use other people.

But there is an important distinction. The malignant narcissist still needs the audience. They need recognition. Status. Admiration. Control.

They need to be seen as somebody important.

The psychopath can be considerably colder and less concerned about maintaining that image.

And at the extreme end, the line between the two can become very difficult to see.

Diagnosed narcissistic psychopath who goes by the pseudonym H.G. Tudor says social media plays directly into the hands of narcissists.

“Once upon a time you would take a picture of the view or you may ask someone to take a picture of you and your other half. What you would not do is bombard everybody taking

100 pictures of yourself looking like a duck with some stupid look on your face in front of every monument and view you have ever visited.”

He argues such social media harnesses narcissistic vanity — creating platforms that allow narcissistic behaviour to become normalised.

You might think that all of this would make narcissistic people unsuccessful. The opposite is true.

Dr Ramani puts it bluntly: “In spite of all of this, people with narcissistic personalities are incentivised. It’s rewarded. They make more money, are more likely to be in leadership positions, are actually more likely to get the romantic partners they want. So, they’re kind of winning.”

Confidence can look like competence. Self-promotion can look like ambition. Fearlessness can look like leadership.

Dominating a room can look like charisma.

The person who never seems to doubt themselves may be perceived as the strongest person in the room.

So, the narcissist may not be hiding in the shadows.

They may be standing in the spotlight.

So, if you hear somebody constantly saying: “I can do anything better” or “Nobody can do it as well as me.”

Do not immediately diagnose them. But pay attention.

Watch the pattern. Watch what happens when someone else gets the credit. Watch what happens when they are challenged. Watch what happens when they do not get their way. Watch what happens when the audience disappears.

Because narcissism is not simply about somebody thinking highly of themselves.

It can be about what happens when their carefully constructed image is threatened. And that can affect far more than a marriage.

A narcissistic partner can destroy a relationship.

A narcissistic parent can damage a family. A narcissistic boss can poison a workplace. And when destructive personality traits are combined with enormous power, the consequences can become much larger.

That is why this is not simply a story about difficult people.

It is a story about power, manipulation, perception and the human ability to be deceived.

And perhaps the most dangerous mistake you can make is not failing to recognise a narcissist. It is believing that you could never be fooled by one.

I was in a relationship with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. After the idealisation stage, I found her behaviour irregular and started researching it.

Within three months, I realised the patterns were identical.

I realised exactly what I was dealing with. Yet it still took me three years to break free. That experience changed the way I look at people.

Because I learned something that I think everybody should understand. Intelligence does not make you immune.

Education does not make you immune.

To end, another quote from narcissistic psychopath H.G. Tudor.

“Many people don’t like the idea that monsters do exist. Monsters are made of stories, aren’t they? They are the bogeyman in the bed, the thing in the dark that takes away

naughty children if they don’t go to bed on time and fall asleep.

“They are conjured up as an exciting story around the campfire. But they don’t really exist — werewolves,

vampires and all those things. But actually, monsters do and they are in human form. They’re us.”

Narcissistic Personality Disorder has been treated with limited success, but there is no established “cure” - medication or a treatment that simply removes the disorder.

Naidoo is an author and a sportswriter for 30 years. He played representative tennis, squash and cricket and has reported both locally and internationally and covered four Olympic Games.

** The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of IOL.