This Cream Is Specifically for Preventing ‘Batwings’ (You’re Welcome) - VICE

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I didn’t go looking for a cream for my batwings. 

(If you don’t know the term, “batwings” is when sweat glues your balls to your inner thigh and every step peels them back off. That ‘lil scrotum stretch on the way off is where the name comes from.)

For years, I figured it came with the territory of having a penis, and, I guess more specifically, a scrotum. Jeans in warm weather, a hot car ride, literally sitting here in sweatpants as I write this (yes, they are grey)… batwings can happen at any time.

It isn’t just a summer problem, either. Holiday parties don’t take place in cold temperature settings. And with all those winter layers, your balls can very much be just as uncomfortable. (And adjusting yourself in public is a bad look.)

Apparently I’m not alone, though, because I’ve found a company that makes a cream that dries into a powder for my nether region. My head is a bit skeptical, especially with the silly name of Happy Nuts. But my other head is admittedly VERY intrigued.

And the science behind how it works is actually kind of awesome…?

Cleveland Clinic says chafing comes from thigh-rubbing friction and moisture working together, and the skin around your groin is already sensitive and easily irritated as it is. Batwings come right along with that territory.

Happy Nuts Comfort Cream is an aluminum-free cream that goes on like lotion and dries to a powder finish. As someone who can appreciate the value of lotion, but hates the greasy layer it leaves behind, that’s the part that I like most of all. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take lotion down there as opposed to my hands, but still. A lotion that dries cleanly is a huge sell to me.

Once it does dry, it absorbs sweat and leaves an anti-friction layer between skin and skin. It isn’t trying to plug your sweat glands, which is what aluminum-based deodorant does. It manages the moisture that’s already there and cuts down on the rubbing and scrotum-stickiness.

The ingredient list is short on drama, too, including coconut, aloe, and tapioca. Boba for your balls, is how I’m thinking of it.

Aloe is there to soothe chafing, itching, and irritation, and that the formula is lightweight, non-greasy, and made for sensitive skin. It can also apparently be used for whole-body odor control, not just the groin, so it’s aimed at other spots where skin rubs and sweats too.

Comfort Cream comes in several sizes and four scents, so you can start small and try it out. If you’d rather skip the cream, you there’s also a talc-free powder and a powder spray, both of which are also aluminum-free. For the full routine, the brand’s Big Wood wash is a sandalwood-and-vetiver body wash, which sounds nice and woodsy.

I’m not calling it a cure-all for a sweaty crotch, but Happy Nuts at least seems to get what guys deal with, sometimes daily. Maybe that’s why Batman is always so mad. Poor guy can’t get a handle on his own batwings and chafing from inside his bat suit. 

So, to my wife who’s reading this, here’s a solid idea for a stocking stuffer. Amazon also has deals lined up through November and December, including Lightning Deals, as well as full on holiday bundles if you’re ready to go all-in on your lotion-to-powder cream routine.

Here’s to preventing the peel at this year’s holiday parties!