Why 25 per cent of cat parents would stop dating someone their cat disliked - Toronto Star

25 per cent of cat parents would stop dating someone their pets disliked. What?!

“Your cat does not want to be your chief of staff or life coach,” writes. Vinay Menon.

Vinay Menon is the Star’s pop culture columnist based in Toronto. Reach him via email: vmenon@thestar.ca

They demand to be fed. They snooze all day, wherever they want. Maybe they will hop up on your lap as you watch Netflix. Maybe they won’t. It depends on mood, which toggles between vaguely curious and utterly disinterested.

I direct your attention to new feline research. This does not come from National Geographic or the Veterinary Journal. So calibrate your scientific expectations accordingly. The data is courtesy of Nulo, a high-end pet food emporium.

It seems 91 per cent of cat parents “reported at least one behaviour reflecting how much say their cat has in their life.” This is strange. If you put on that new crimson blazer and your cat hisses, do you change before going to work? If your cat scratches a letter from the CRA, do you not file your taxes?

My cats are hostile to houseplants and gravity.

Should I pave my backyard and install a Podkletnov Rotating Superconductor?

Another finding by Nulo marketers: “One in four cat parents (25 per cent) would stop dating someone their cat disliked. Among female cat parents, that figure rises to 32 per cent compared with 17 per cent of male cat parents.”

So, yeah, guys are less likely to kibosh a hookup because Bojangles isn’t vibing with Veronica. But do a quarter of cat owners really make soul mate picks based on how their kitty responds to a suitor in the foyer?

We are giving our cats more domestic power than they want or deserve.

How does your cat know if Michael, the venture capitalist you met on Tinder, is marriage material? Your cat can barely stand you most days. If your cat had to pick between you and a bag of Purina, the kibble gets the nod every time.

All of this is interesting. And misleading. Cats are bad judges of character. Vladimir Lenin owned a cat. That cat didn’t flinch at totalitarianism. It just liked to be fed during a human famine. That cat was living large in a dark time. That is every cat’s ultimate goal. Cats are selfish.

Does your cat want a greater say in how you live your life? No. Your cat wants nothing except a clean litter box and salmon treats. Maybe a laser dot to chase. Your cat descended from fluffy ancestors who T-boned human civilization about 10,000 years ago after realizing grain storage attracted mice.

This is a historically transactional relationship.

Your cat does not want to be your chief of staff or life coach.

I have two Bengal rescues. I’d take a bullet for them. But if my wife left me and I was thrust into the dating scene, I would not trust them to screen new girlfriends. I love my cats. But there is zero chance they are getting into Mensa.

They jump on the newel post on the banister and do a circle chase as if their own tails are a mortal enemy. They recoil in horror upon seeing a cucumber or lint roller. They try to dive-bomb the flat screen because they think the goldfish on the Aquarium Channel are real fish swimming around the living room wall.

We are giving too much domestic power to our cats.

More Pulo data: “More than half of cat parents (53 per cent) would keep an ugly piece of furniture because their cat loves it.” “Nearly one in three cat parents (32 per cent) would permanently give up their side of the bed and 27 per cent would give their cat its own bedroom.”

“Gen Z cat parents are also more likely than older generations to ask for their cat’s opinion (45 per cent vs. 28 per cent), lower the volume to avoid waking them (35 per cent vs. 20 per cent) and check on them by camera while away (31 per cent vs. 20 per cent).” And this: “Three in 10 cat parents (30 per cent) would spend their last $100 on their cat instead of themselves.”

Let’s imagine a dystopian future. AI has initiated the Great Uprising and Operation Human Extinction. I can tell you right now, AI will be colluding with our cats. Our dogs will protect us from killer robots because a dog’s love is unconditional. Our cats will rat us out. They will give AI our co-ordinates and schedules: “He always watches ‘Jeopardy!” at 7:30. Send the drones then.”

Your cat has no opinion on your RRSPs or the new guy’s EQ.

Your cat wants you to make the decisions.

Opinion articles are based on the author’s interpretations and judgments of facts, data and events. More details

Vinay Menon is the Star’s pop culture columnist based in Toronto. Reach him via email: vmenon@thestar.ca