Why we crave connection yet suffer in relationships [Flat] - 경향신문

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Why do humans long to connect with others yet find relationships difficult and suffer because of them? Why is it so hard to be a warm, kind person to everyone? Even though we spend long stretches entangled in countless relationships, we often dismiss the many issues that arise between people as personal problems, or we blame ourselves or the other person.

In the fourth session of the book talk series ‘Reading Time’ prepared by Flat, the women’s narrative archive of the Kyunghyang Shinmun, together with Gimmyoung, we read a book about ‘connection’ together. It was <The Psychology of Connection> by Shin Ji-eun, a professor in the Department of Psychology at Chonnam National University. Based on the latest findings in social psychology, we shared the idea that longing for connection yet becoming worn out by relationships is not a defect of our minds but the essence of human sociality. On the 29th of last month, at the Kyunghyang Shinmun headquarters in Jung District, Seoul, many attendees took their seats for the Flat book talk despite the sudden cold.

<The Psychology of Connection> author Shin Ji-eun, a professor in the Department of Psychology at Chonnam National University, answers questions from attendees at Flat’s book talk ‘Reading Time’, held at Yeodahyang in the Kyunghyang Shinmun building in Jung District, Seoul, on the 29th of last month. Kang Yoon-jung, senior reporter

What, then, keeps us from being kind to everyone? Professor Shin began by saying, ‘Sociality is not a synonym for sociability.’ Sociality refers to the overall capacity to live together within a group. It includes not only helping and bonding, but also being vigilant toward dangerous others and engaging in fierce competition when needed. She also emphasized that ‘our emotional capacity is a limited resource.’ We treat money and time with care, yet we often overlook that our hearts are limited resources too. Common expressions such as “I cannot help but care” or “Thank you for caring” reflect the reality that ‘kindness wears down when it is spent.’

Even so, why do we seek relationships with others and want to belong somewhere? Professor Shin says, “Relationships with others are the very opportunities and resources that help us pursue and achieve our life goals together.” She also explained the concept of ‘instrumentality’ in social psychology: the diverse people within our networks serve as tools that facilitate our pursuit of life goals.

At Flat’s book talk ‘Reading Time’, held at Yeodahyang in the Kyunghyang Shinmun building in Jung District, Seoul, on the 29th of last month, attendees listen to remarks by Professor Shin Ji-eun, author of <The Psychology of Connection>. Kang Yoon-jung, senior reporter

Although the word ‘tool’ may sound cold or calculating at first, the notion of instrumentality in social psychology is far removed from ‘seeing people as mere means.’ Rather, Professor Shin explained that we can discover the value of our existence by willingly providing one another with the role of tools that help shoulder and share the burdens of life. The most representative way to offer such instrumentality to others is ‘gratitude.’ What matters in relationships is the belief that goodwill will be returned, and expressing gratitude signals, ‘I do not take your goodwill for granted, and I will reciprocate.’

At times, however, others are also potential threats. This is another reason we cannot be kind to everyone. We unconsciously judge what kind of person a stranger is upon first meeting. When you gather answers to the question, ‘What matters most when you size someone up?,’ Professor Shin said they largely boil down to two things: warmth and competence. If we had to choose only one, which would we pick? A consistent finding in psychology is that people prioritize ‘warmth.’ Competence is important information, but competence without the premise of warmth cannot become a resource for me.

In fact, across human history, others were long a threat. Analyzing data from hunter·gatherer societies, Professor Shin introduced research showing that about 14% of all deaths were due to warfare or violence. For humans, other people are indispensable sources of opportunity and resources in life, yet at the same time they can be extremely dangerous. Beyond physical attack or violence, the possibility of deceit or trickery is also a threat.

Therefore we must avoid making wrong judgments based on wrong cues. So what should we look at, and what should we trust? Professor Shin points to signals that are credible because they carry ‘heavy constraints or costs.’ Like a peacock risking danger and expending great energy to fan its tail. Professor Shin said, “When various difficulties strike in life or in relationships, I hope we do not think of them only as crises. We all want to find the ‘real thing.’ Real love, real relationships, and real hearts can become vivid in moments of crisis.”

At the same time, others are our competitors. The world is not a perfect zero-sum game, but resources are limited, and those who secure them are the ones who gain an edge in competition. Because getting ahead in competition is tied to survival, humans cannot help but possess a drive to excel and to get ahead, Professor Shin explained. She described a kind of ‘status dashboard’ in our minds that tracks where we stand in competition. Comparing the achievements of others with our own, and feeling hurt or distressed by the achievements of others even when they have nothing to do with us, may be quite natural. It is not that I am inferior and therefore feel envy toward others; rather, that dashboard shows what I want and where I wish to go. Professor Shin said, “Rather than feeling ashamed or blaming yourself when such feelings arise, you can soothe your heart by thinking, ‘I want to become an even better person.’”

Professor Shin concluded by urging us to treat ‘me’ with the greatest kindness. “At the center of our many relationships, in truth, is the self. Many worries and thoughts that arise in relationships often start from how I see myself. That is why the place that should receive my limited kindness first is, in fact, myself. I hope we can look upon the effort we make as we invest our hearts in relationships with a more gentle gaze.”